Escaping a Meltdown

Walking with DinosaursWhen Nigel was younger, most of his meltdowns occurred due to sensory overload, usually from noise. I couldn’t take him into grocery stores, restaurants, pumpkin festivals. We stayed home a lot as a way to avoid potential meltdowns. Then there were the meltdowns that occurred as a result of his frustration with not being able to communicate, which happened anywhere, especially at home. So we used PECS and visual schedules to try to avoid those meltdowns. I never succeeded in eliminating them, of course, but it was a desperate game that I played, trying to anticipate a meltdown and evading it any way I could.

Now that he is older, and can successfully use ear plugs, I rarely worry about meltdowns due to noise. We frequent grocery stores, restaurants, and a festival now and then. We don’t need to stay home as much, and that is liberating. Nigel is also now verbal, has been for several years, so we no longer use PECS to communicate, and he doesn’t have meltdowns due to communication problems (except when he was mainstreamed in public school). But there’s another type of meltdown.

Sometimes, having the emotional age of an eight-year-old, Nigel has a meltdown when he can’t have something he wants. And there is usually a build-up, either by someone (often his younger brother) antagonizing him, or by me letting him have other things that he wants and then cutting him off. Last week he kept upping the ante, first asking for restaurant pizza, then ice cream for dessert, then buying a movie that he had to have. Feeling like a neglectful parent due to NaNoWriMo, I let him have those things. Then the next day, he went for a walk in the neighborhood, wearing his watch so that he would come home at the stated time. Ten minutes later, he came bursting through the front door, panting, saying that some people down the street were giving away free kittens. And he wanted to go back and get one.

Yes, yes, I know – you can never have too many cats. I love them, I do. We have two wonderful cats. But with two kids, two cats, two jobs, and a house on my plate, I do not need another pet right now. And I want Nigel to learn that getting a pet is not something about which to be impulsive. So I gently told him no and explained my reasoning. I felt a switch turn on.

Nigel went into meltdown mode. He was in my office and that would not do. I tried to guide him out but he would not budge. I shut off the lights and said, “Let’s discuss this while I make dinner,” and he followed me to the kitchen. When he realized that I was not going to back down, he began shouting, “Communist! I’m going to report you to PETA!” and grabbed a knife out of the drawer. I took it from him before he even started to do anything with it, then he ran to his room and grabbed a screwdriver and held it to his jugular. This was quickly turning scary, in spite of the PETA remark.

I grabbed the screwdriver out of his hand and walked through the living room. Aidan, who had spent the night at a friend’s house the night before, was napping on the couch. And there was something playing on the TV. Something Nigel hadn’t seen in a long time: Walking with Dinosaurs. Nigel stopped following me and fixed his attention on the TV. I rounded the corner and slowly peered back around it, realizing that Nigel had been distracted. I hid the screwdriver and snuck back to my office, knowing that if I made dinner and tried to serve him now, he would refuse to eat and would probably resume his tirade.

I waited half an hour while Nigel watched Walking with Dinosaurs, feeling triumphant that I had escaped a worse meltdown. Saved by a DVD. Sometimes he has persevered in his self-injury, sometimes he has run out the front door and I’ve had to wrestle with him to get him to come back in, sometimes he has threatened me, often he has broken things. Meltdowns get scarier as our kids get older and bigger.  We have all learned ways of attempting to avoid them, or to cut them off at the pass once they begin. When they do, here is what (sometimes) works in our house (when I’m lucky):

  • Removal from the room in which the meltdown originated
  • Parent remaining calm but in control
  • Distraction: Turn on music or the TV
  • Sufficient time for a calming period

NaNoWriMo Recap

NaNoWriMo Winner

I now have a feather to put in my cap and a web badge to put on my site. NaNoWriMo is over (well, it’s officially over Sunday night, but I pushed myself to be finished by Thanksgiving), and I have a novel under my belt! Of course, I’d like to double its length (it’s only about 175 pages at this point), but I can take my time with that.

Writing under the gun like that is not entirely new to me; it’s just been a while. I worked three jobs while in college, and, as an English major, I wrote my fair share of papers at 4 AM. What was new about doing NaNoWriMo was that I didn’t go back and edit a single thing. I didn’t read over anything I had written. I just churned out words and forged ahead. I felt like it wasn’t fair – I labored over all of these words (often up to 2700 a night), and I just forced myself to click save and continue. I didn’t get to enjoy them, savor them, rearrange them until they were perfect. I’m not used to writing fiction that way – so unattached. It was difficult at first, but I realized that it was the only way to get all the words down in the time that I had.

Now that it’s over, I’m looking forward to the following:

  • Catching up with Nigel and Aidan, who are glad to have their mom back
  • Cleaning my house (the end result more than the actual cleaning, of course)
  • Reading whatever it is that I wrote! I wrote so fast that I can’t remember!

About Thanksgiving . . .

Nigel, age 9, verbal but still learning sentence structure:

“Why you think it’s Thursday?”

Translation: Why is Thanksgiving celebrated on Thursdays? Why not Wednesdays, or any other day of the week?

So I told him about Abraham Lincoln’s proclamation, but of course, that does not address his choice of the day of the week. Here we are, five years later, and I’m still looking for the answer. Apparently, George Washington issued an announcement in 1789 that November 26 would be Thanksgiving Day, and it was a Thursday. But why did he choose Thursday? This article states that Washington got the idea from Jonathan Belcher, a governor in New England who, in 1730, proclaimed that Thursday, November 12 was to be a day of thanks throughout the province.

Nigel’s words still echo in my head, five years later: “Why you think it’s Thursday?”

Anybody have any other ideas? I’m off to make mashed potatoes now. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

When Eating is Difficult

Thanksgiving always poses a problem for those who are orally defensive. And although sensory processing disorder occurs simultaneously with many ASD individuals, it also occurs in those who do not have autism. My non-autistic younger son, Aidan, is highly orally defensive, and has been since infancy. It was so bad that sometimes while breastfeeding, if the milk tasted differently to him, he would scream and act as if I were trying to feed him motor oil. It was not fun for either of us.

The term “picky eater” does not seem to be the most fitting for Aidan, now twelve years old. Nigel, my autistic son, I would describe as a “very picky eater.” Aidan I would describe as a “limited eater.” Whereas Nigel will choose from an array of five acceptable breakfast items, Aidan will eat one (cold cereal and milk, alternating between two types of cereal, and that has only been a very recent development). Nigel will eat any of 12 choices for lunch and dinner, and Aidan is limited to five, and there are limitations even within those five.

He does not eat sandwiches. No macaroni and cheese. In fact, no cheese at all. He’ll eat pizza, but only after he peels off the cheese. No waffles, no oatmeal, no eggs, no CAKE even. For his birthday, he has cinnamon rolls.

I used to fight him on this. I recall when he was four years old that I gave him a tiny piece of lettuce and he refused to eat it, of course. So I sat on the kitchen floor with him and held him and put the piece of lettuce in his mouth and forced him to eat it. And I swore I would never force him to eat anything again.  I tried making bargains with him, I tried letting him go hungry until he would eat what was on the table. I tried reward charts. I tried grounding. Nothing worked.

In fact, the only thing that has worked is respecting his oral defensiveness. Respecting the fact that he has a hard time eating in the first place, and he only weighs 78 pounds, and “letting him go hungry” is the worst possible thing I could do because then his stomach would shrink further, making it even more difficult for him to eat the next time he tries. There are compelling reasons why he won’t or can’t eat many foods, and the best thing I can do is accept it and work with it.

And so, tomorrow, when we go to my mom’s for Thanksgiving as we do every year, we will bring Aidan’s certain brand of turkey hot dogs that he eats. And the raw baby carrots, the only vegetable he will eat. And he’ll sit at the table with the rest of us, and everyone understands (after some years of fruitless cajoling) that he will only eat what he eats. And we’re all a lot happier for it.

How to Motivate an Autistic Teen

The title of this post is one of the more common search phrases people use to find this website. And since it’s a topic that I deal with on a daily basis, I decided to describe my approach.

Motivation is either extrinsic (“coming from without”) or intrinsic (“coming from within”).  Both involve what the person in question perceives as rewards, either tangible (extrinsic motivation) or intangible (intrinsic motivation). Depending on your child’s emotional age, they will start off with extrinsic motivation and, as they mature, they will start responding to intrinsic motivation. It’s just been in the past year or two that I’ve been able to cultivate Nigel’s intrinsic motivation, but he still relies heavily on extrinsic.

*Extrinsic Motivation (Tangible Rewards):

A. Time doing what they love:

  • Watching movies/videos
  • Playing video games
  • Computer time
  • Going to a favorite museum or other place of interest
  • Bike-riding, hiking, or other physical activity they enjoy
  • Go-karting, bowling, or other activity
  •  Going to the library
  • Inviting a friend for a sleepover

B. Things they can earn:

  • Allowance
  • Buying a new book, toy, or model to put together
  • Renting a video game or DVD

C. Consequences (the other side of the reward coin):

If they don’t do what they need to be motivated to do, **they lose time allotted for doing what they enjoy, and/or they lose the privilege of earning things that they want.

Intrinsic Motivation (Intangible Rewards):

A. Personal Achievement:

  • Finding things that were lost (e.g. during room cleaning – this is also an extrinsic reward)
  • Contributing to the family/household

B. Helping People:

  • Habitat for Humanity Walk
  • Scouting for Food

Nigel is learning the rewards of intrinsic motivation by being involved in the aforementioned causes. I also use one of his regular chores, cleaning out the cat litter, as an intrinsic motivator: he is helping someone who can’t do something themselves and in doing so, gains their love and loyalty. He is also contributing to the family and household by helping out, and he is learning that a sense of community is its own reward.

**Example of losing time allotted for doing what they enjoy:

Nigel has a hard time getting up in the morning. I offer him the extrinsic motivation of warmth, either through a warm blanket (fresh out of the dryer) to wrap himself in, or a warm breakfast or drink. If that is not motivating enough, for every 5 minutes that he continues to stay in bed, I deduct 10 minutes off of his computer time for the day. As far as intrinsic motivation, I could tell him that getting out of bed on time would yield the satisfaction of a productive day. But he’s definitely not there yet on that one.

*Remember: The only way that extrinsic motivation will work is to follow through with both rewards and consequences. Consistency is key!

Note: When Nigel was younger and non-verbal, I used a system of visual cues to help schedule and motivate him. Holly at Fearless Females has written a post outlining the visual system she uses with her non-verbal autistic daughter that helps to motivate her to do things. It’s a great “companion” post to this one.

It’s That Time of Year

I have decided that being a single parent of two and homeschooling the one who has autism and working two other jobs just wasn’t keeping me on my toes. I just didn’t know what to do with all that extra time on my hands. So I entered a contest to write a novel in one month. Yes, that’s right! I’m doing NaNoWriMo!

For those of you who are unfamiliar, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, and it happens every year in November. This is my first go at it, and I’m both excited and exhausted. The object is to write a 50,000-word novel in 30 days. Just for a little perspective, the typical word count in a whole month of my blog posts is approximately 8,500.

As of yesterday, I passed the half-way point and am right on track with my word count! As I focus on the second half of the novel and the home stretch of completing it, I’ll be scaling back on my usual posting schedule here at Teen Autism (just for the next two weeks). But for those who would like to take a peek at my other writing, click on the link below and that will take you to my NaNoWriMo page. Then click on the “Novel Info” tab, and you can read a synopsis of my book and an excerpt – the full first chapter! Keep in mind, this is a really rough first draft. But I kinda like how it’s shaping up! You can also keep track of my word count, which is updated daily, and see if I’m going to make it!

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/433097

Wish me luck . . .

What It’s Like to Date Someone Whose Child Has Autism

This is the first post in a new series called What It’s Like. I intend to interview friends and relatives to get the viewpoints of everyone who is affected by having someone with autism in their lives – past, present, and future.

I wanted to start off with one of the more recent people to become involved with Nigel – my boyfriend, Rick. We have been dating for several months, and I recently talked with him about his views on dating someone who has an ASD child. Additionally, for some insight into what it’s like to date and be married to someone on the spectrum, check out Jeffrey Deutsch’s informative posts on relationships. Another interesting post was written by Sam, who dated someone with Asperger’s. We can all learn so much from each other.

1. Did you have any experience and/or preconceived ideas about autism prior to knowing that I have an autistic son? What did you think at first?

I didn’t have any thoughts – I had heard stuff on the radio about autism, but really had no idea what it was about.

2. From what you know now about Nigel’s autism being more severe when he was younger, do you think if you had met and dated me then that things would have been more difficult?

Probably, but I wouldn’t have left.

3. What, in your experience now, is the most challenging thing about dating someone who has an autistic child?

When he was younger, I’m sure that getting a babysitter would have been a big challenge, but right now it’s not really much of a challenge to me, and I don’t mind it. I’m accepting this for what it is.

4. What are the things you enjoy about dating someone with an autistic child?

He makes me laugh sometimes – stuff he says. I do have fun with him and the way he laughs.

5. Do you have concerns about the future regarding Nigel living with me into adulthood?

No, I’m a very family-oriented person.

6. Why do you feel comfortable dating someone with an autistic child?

My brother has paranoid schizophrenia, so I’m used to different behaviors and ways of communicating.

7. Would you feel differently if Nigel were still non-verbal?  No.

8. Any advice for someone entering a relationship with a person whose child has autism?

Be patient, and let the kids get to know you at their own pace.

9. What about for the parent whose (teenage) child has autism?

Don’t worry about him being out in public and disturbing people; let him spread his wings a little more.

Many thanks to Rick! Be sure to visit Aerocraft Fiberglass to check out the cool race car bodies he designs and manufactures!

 

Space Au-dyssey

We have a new Obsession of the Week in our house. I’m not sure what prompted it (although we do own the DVD of the Jimmy Neutron movie), but Nigel is fixated on building a homemade spacecraft. He has decided that since his father has done some welding that he would be able to make it for him.

Nigel’s specifications:

“It has to be airtight. I have to study the space machines book [Ah! Mom remembers, from the trip to the library last week] so that I can learn how to make the steering thrusters. And for re-entry, it must have heat-resistant silica tiles made of high-quality sand. And I have to build a space suit with air pressure gauges and liquid-cooled undergarments.”

He spent most of yesterday leaping around the house making spaceship noises. And he has stated that his best friend is going to accompany him, so that they will both go on record as the youngest people in space. Riley, clear your schedule.

Brain Wave Therapy: Update

Sound SleepA few months ago, I wrote a post about Brain Wave Therapy and included some research into its use for the treatment of autism. I discovered that studies have been done with autistic children as young as 8, and so I wanted to see if it would help Nigel, who is now 14. I was especially interested to see if it would help with his difficulty in falling asleep, as it used to take him hours before he could calm his mind down enough to drift off to sleep, and he would be chronically groggy and irritable because of it.

Enter Brain Sync’s Sound Sleep. This CD has made a profound difference in Nigel’s ability to fall asleep quickly. Its deep Delta brain wave frequencies and soothing music help him to slow his active mind and ultimately lull him into restorative sleep. As a result, he gets up quicker in the morning, is more alert, and generally functions far better than without listening to the CD. And he loves it. Every night, he gets it set up in his CD player (Brain Sync recommends the use of headphones for optimal benefit, but due to Nigel’s sensitive hearing, he does better without them – otherwise the Delta frequencies are too much for him to process), and eagerly turns it on as soon as I say good night to him.  I feel so much better knowing that he’s getting good sleep, and then, of course, so do I.

On Procreation

The Scene: Two brothers, who don’t usually play together, who in fact usually avoid each other, are interacting and playing appropriately together in the family room. Their mother sits nearby at the kitchen table, writing her grocery list and sipping a glass of water. She is pleasantly surprised at this rare occasion of collaboration and, remembering the last time they worked together on something, decides to listen in. It sounds as if their action figures are living on new worlds in other solar systems, and the brothers are the leaders of their own worlds. They are discussing what their worlds are like, who inhabits them, and various other particulars. The younger preteen brother describes his world as being desolate, apocalyptic, and all-male. The older teen brother stops twirling his Lego spaceship around and faces his brother.

Older teen brother: You still need females to launch out the babies.

[The mother begins choking on her water and runs into the kitchen, coughing and spluttering.]

Younger preteen brother: No, I don’t. They’ll make clones.