Teen Autism

This is the first post in a new series called What It’s Like. I intend to interview friends and relatives to get the viewpoints of everyone who is affected by having someone with autism in their lives - past, present, and future.

I wanted to start off with one of the more recent people to become involved with Nigel - my boyfriend, Rick. We have been dating for several months, and I recently talked with him about his views on dating someone who has an ASD child. Additionally, for some insight into what it’s like to date and be married to someone on the spectrum, check out Jeffrey Deutsch’s informative posts on relationships. Another interesting post was written by Sam, who dated someone with Asperger’s. We can all learn so much from each other.

1. Did you have any experience and/or preconceived ideas about autism prior to knowing that I have an autistic son? What did you think at first?

I didn’t have any thoughts - I had heard stuff on the radio about autism, but really had no idea what it was about.

2. From what you know now about Nigel’s autism being more severe when he was younger, do you think if you had met and dated me then that things would have been more difficult?

Probably, but I wouldn’t have left.

3. What, in your experience now, is the most challenging thing about dating someone who has an autistic child?

When he was younger, I’m sure that getting a babysitter would have been a big challenge, but right now it’s not really much of a challenge to me, and I don’t mind it. I’m accepting this for what it is.

4. What are the things you enjoy about dating someone with an autistic child?

He makes me laugh sometimes - stuff he says. I do have fun with him and the way he laughs.

5. Do you have concerns about the future regarding Nigel living with me into adulthood?

No, I’m a very family-oriented person.

6. Why do you feel comfortable dating someone with an autistic child?

My brother has paranoid schizophrenia, so I’m used to different behaviors and ways of communicating.

7. Would you feel differently if Nigel were still non-verbal?  No.

8. Any advice for someone entering a relationship with a person whose child has autism?

Be patient, and let the kids get to know you at their own pace.

9. What about for the parent whose (teenage) child has autism?

Don’t worry about him being out in public and disturbing people; let him spread his wings a little more.

Many thanks to Rick! Be sure to visit Aerocraft Fiberglass to check out the cool race car bodies he designs and manufactures!

Life as a single parent is challenging enough. Throw autism into the picture and every limitation is magnified. Try to date and you may decide to just NOT for a while. When your kids are younger, you have to deal with finding someone to watch them so you can GO on a date, and then when your date arrives to pick you up, your echolalic five-year-old son greets him at the door with a shout of “Balto!” because he had just watched that movie. Then when you can’t find someone to watch the kids and your date gallantly albeit naively suggests taking them to the Chinese restaurant with you, you try to sound spontaneous by saying “Sure!” inwardly cringing because you know it’s a bad idea. And then within five minutes of being seated at the restaurant, your five-year-old goes into a sensory overload meltdown as you feared he would and is writhing on the floor screaming and so you leave, and a week later the date tells you he can’t deal with the “extended family.” And since this is not the first time a love interest has ended a fledgling romance in this manner, you think to hell with it, why should I bother?

And then your kids get older, and by some miracle and a good response to therapy, they begin talking more and have learned to filter some of their sensory issues and can actually sit in a restaurant for a bit, so you think maybe you’ll give it another shot. And you get someone to watch the kids, and when the date comes over to pick you up, your now-verbal eleven-year-old son decides to suggest to the date that he should marry you. But the date decides to stick around for a few months anyway (after lecturing you about the inappropriateness of your son’s suggestion, just in case you hadn’t sensed it, even though he himself does not have any autistic children, nor any children whatsoever). And on one outing with your kids that you were apprehensive about doing (but did anyway to seem spontaneous), your autistic eleven-year-old gets lost and you spend half an hour looking for him, and then your SPD nine-year-old vomits all over the back seat of the fledgling boyfriend’s new car that everybody was excited to ride in, and then he tells you that he’s really not sure he can “take on” the “responsibility” of your children. And you think, Really? This again? Still?  

And now your kids are adolescents and can actually stay home by themselves for a limited time so getting someone to watch them is no longer an issue. And you take an objective look at the situation and realize that getting someone to watch the kids was actually the smallest issue of all. It was getting someone to understand the kids, to accept them, that was the issue. It was getting someone who not only acknowledged the “package deal” nature of your situation, but who actually wanted to take it on. Those have always been the real issues, you realize, not getting someone to watch the kids or seeming spontaneous enough. And so you go on a lot of lunch dates until you meet someone who you think can understand your life and accept your kids and not be bothered by one son who warns against being seated too close together and still gets lost and the other son who only eats four things and occasionally still vomits in the car.

And you realize that as much as you worry about your autistic teen finding someone kind enough and understanding enough to date him and appreciate him and possibly have a relationship with him, you realize that deep down, you’ve also been just as concerned about finding someone like that for yourself. And when you do find someone willing to fill that role, after over a decade of looking, you realize that only now are you able to truly appreciate that person. Only now do you know what you needed all this time.

 Nigel: Can eighth-graders have dates?

Me: What did you have in mind?

Nigel: Stephanie.

Me: No; what did you have in mind for what you wanted to do for the date?

Nigel: A movie date. But I have to decide what movie.

Me: Maybe you should let your date decide.

Nigel, eyes wide, smiling, high-fives me: Genius! I can learn about dating from you!

Me: I think that’s an excellent idea. Many parents don’t feel comfortable with their kids dating until high school, so you can spend the next year learning about dating, and then you’ll be ready.

Nigel: Well, I have another idea. [Leaves my office, runs down the hall to his room, returns in a moment brandishing a 2 x 3 school photo from last year, which was taken without my knowledge that it was Picture Day, and he had left the house that morning in a dirty old T-shirt that said "Baseball" across the front.]Next time I talk to Stephanie on the sidewalk, I can give this to her to show her parents so that they can have a visualization of me.  

Me: Well, they’d probably want to meet you first, anyway. And me [the mother who lets her son have school pictures taken in a ratty T-shirt]. But let’s wait until high school, okay? I’m sure Stephanie’s parents would feel better about that, too.

Nigel: But what if they don’t?

Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Nigel: You mean like in The Emperor’s New Groove?

Me: Yes. With sharp rocks at the bottom.

Nigel: Uh, Mom, the scene with that line was when they were going over the waterfall, not the bridge.

Me: Oh. Right.

Nigel: Those two look attractive.

Thus begins a new category here at Teen Autism: Dating. Now that he is nearing fourteen, Nigel has adjusted to the hormones that began coursing through his body last year. He no longer growls at me (unless he’s having a meltdown). Now he has discovered that these hormones can be channeled into something more productive: obsessing about girls. In fact, perhaps I should re-categorize this post under Obsessions.

But no, this is no ordinary Obsession of the Week. This is Nature Running Its Course. And I am glad I had already registered to attend this upcoming seminar.

We have some friends visiting from out of state this week who are staying at a local motel with a pool, which was good planning on their part since it got up to 108 degrees. I took the boys over to visit them at the pool, where they had fun with their friend who is Aidan’s age. At one point, two girls about Nigel’s age entered the pool, and that was it. While Aidan and friend blithely continued their goggle-clad shenanigans, Nigel made it a point to remove himself from their presence and began showing off diving near the two girls. He would come up for air near them, and I, Mama Bear, became incensed when the girls rolled their eyes and turned away. Be nice! I wanted to yell. Give him a chance!

Then Nigel got smart. He enlisted the help of someone who had once been a girl. That’s when he came over to me in my corner of the pool and said, pointing, “Those two look attractive.” He continued with, “I feel a little anxious. Is it common for males to feel anxious about mating?” Oh, my son. “Try not to point, honey. Yes, it’s common for boys to feel anxious about meeting girls. But the term ‘mating’ usually refers to animals.”

Nigel: Oh. [makes a swimming motion] Maybe I should show them my moves.

Me: Usually girls just like it better if you talk to them. You can tell them your name, and then say, ‘I just wanted to say hi.’

And then, oh, this was so sweet, he went over to them and said, “Hi. Name’s Nigel.” (That’s exactly how he said it!) The girls said hi and introduced themselves, and then Nigel said, “That’s my mom over there,” and pointed at me! The girls waved to me and I waved back. Part of me wonders if Nigel has learned that if he lets kids know that his mom is nearby, they will be nicer to him. And that is usually what happens. But maybe he couldn’t think of anything else to say to them right then. Maybe he did it for some other reason. I’ll probably never know, but that’s okay.

What matters is that for the remainder of the afternoon, whenever I saw Nigel near the girls, it appeared that they were being nice to him. Thanks, girls! Whether my presence motivated them or not, at least they learned that if at first someone seems a little different, they might not be so bad. A little patience goes a long way, especially in the beginning stages of dating (or “mating,” as Nigel would say).