Summer Blues

                                                                        Crater Lake

Is summer over yet?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a heat-seeker. I thrive on the warmth, crave it all year. So I love the weather. But I hate missing my kids.

This is their ninth summer in Los Angeles with their dad, 700 miles away from me. For nine summers I have sat at my desk and stared at their pictures and talked to them on the phone. My “conversations” with Nigel haven’t always been on track, but he’s gotten better as the years have gone by. And I’m just glad that he has the ability to talk on the phone in the first place. Because that wasn’t always the case. These nine years have brought so many changes.

So I sit here, looking at my desk photos, clicking through summer posts from 2008 and 2009, wondering what the heck I wrote about when my kids weren’t even here. I wrote about several phone conversations, and I did a series on Nigel’s early development. I wrote book reviews and posted about miscellaneous autism and special needs topics. Last summer I wrote about my incredible trip to Nepal for autism education.

But this summer I find myself at a loss for material. My main sources of inspiration are not in my presence to say funny or profound things. Our phone conversations consist of what-did-you-do-today and I-miss-you and the occasional movie idea/obsession monologue.

But the real reason is that I’m not at my emotional best right now. I’m disjointed without my boys, I’m disappointed that my moving plans aren’t coming together, and I’m disheartened in general. Plan B will go into effect soon, and it’s a letdown. I can dress it up and say that I’m hopeful, but it’s not at all what I had hoped for. It just doesn’t seem right – or fair – to have the blues in the summer. But I do.

25 thoughts on “Summer Blues

  1. Eric aka Myautisticson

    (Hug)
    Your love for your kids is touching :-)
    I’m sure they would love for you to enjoy yourself. because, let’s face it, you are entitled to it as well.
    When is the last time you allowed yourself to treat yourself something you deserve?
    Your boys are probably okay. They are having their own experience with their dad. You, on the other hand, have a meeting with yourself. Just for a moment, reverse the focus of your thoughts from your kids onto…. you! “Hey, hi ‘me’! Haven’t thought about ‘me’ in a long time. How is ‘me’ doing?

  2. Kim

    I understand the summer blues. So sorry moving is taking longer than you had hoped for. I’m hopeful that things will turn around for you soon.

  3. Ann

    Happy thoughts, Tanya! Things will definitely get better. I had similar feelings last week (I’m dealing with real estate stuff too), and things are not panning out as I’d hoped, but I know they aren’t for a reason. There’s always something better that’s waiting to happen and sometimes you need to just let go and let it happen. No more summer blues…it’s beautiful out there! Hugs to you!

  4. AmyLK

    I get the blues when Son is gone too. Its hard to be ourselves when so much of ourselves is so far away from us. Good luck with Plan B, I hope it works out for you!

  5. Cheryl

    Nobody likes to resort to their “Plan B”, so I’m praying that “Plan A” will still be able to happen before time slips away and “Plan B” steps in. If you’re not busy tonight (or another evenning this week), how about getting together for that drink we talked about, or taking in a flick or something fun??? I don’t want you to be blue, but know it’s hard not to be without your boys. I totally get it, so call me! :0)

  6. Lex Savko

    I’ve still got my fingers crossed that Plan A will come through and chase the blues away.

    Take care. We’ll talk soon.

  7. Johanna

    Hugs and Hugs and Hugs…it is indeed not fair to have the blues in the summer, but you will pull through. I think we all know how soul destroying this type of waiting can be. I hope that the plan A miracuously comes true anyway and if not, plan C (even better, but not thought out as yet plan) will take you where you want to be!
    Lots of cyber love to you and the boys!

  8. macrina lesniak

    the blues in the summer sounds worse than getting the flu in the summer! I’m sorry nothing’s working out for you. If you stick around another year you’ll get to see your newest niece/nephew in January!

  9. Paulene

    No wonder you feel all disorientated, you are going through a really big turning point in your life, I send you hugs and courage.
    Tanya whether it is plan A, B or C you for sure will arrive to where you are suppose to be.
    Can you chat with the boys via a webcam, like Skype, I am tried with my son but he becomes all shy?

  10. Elizabeth

    You know — this summer I’ve been unable to shake the near-constant blues as well. Perhaps something good is coming, and we don’t see it yet? I sure hope so and wish so for you!

  11. Michelle O'Neil

    The love of God surrounds you and your boys.
    The light of God enfolds you and your boys.
    The power of God protects you and your boys.
    The presence of God watches over you and your boys.
    Wherever you and your boys are, God is, and all is well.

    Love.

  12. kyra

    oh tanya dear, i am thinking of you and sending cyber hugs. it must be so damn painful to be without your boys. when do they come back?

  13. Jazzygal

    Sorry things aren’t working out as planned. Hope things seem brighter and that you see your boys real soon.

    Stay strong.

    xx Jazzy

  14. Tanya Savko Post author

    Thank you all so much for your encouraging comments! I’m feeling better, realizing that Plan B is not the end of the world. I’ll write more about it soon!

  15. Christine

    I have something for you. I thought I would wait until you moved to send it, so it didn’t there after you were gone, by why wait…send me your adress on my email, and know you are in my thoughts.

  16. Carrie N

    Been thinking of you! We just got back from a 4 day get away to Bermuda. I’d been saving Slip for the trip. Took it with me and read it on pink sand beaches and beside infinity pools!! Loved it! Of course recognized much of Nigel in the story and wondered which of the rest was fiction and which drew from your own life experience. There was a neat library room there and guests were invited to leave books they had finished for others to enjoy. So there’s a copy of Slip that will pass through many browned, sandy hands at the Cambridge Resort in Bermuda for years to come. Congratulations on a job well done :) Carrie

  17. Carrie

    Been thinking so much about you. I can only imagine how hard this time is for all of you. Sending love and hope your way!

  18. DeeAnn Lancaster

    Your article is touching, but it was the picture of Crater Lake that caught my eye. My family lived in Eugene, OR for nearly 11 years. My oldest son is autistic. Would you be willing to exchange links?

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